Metaphors- ideas that tickle your mind

I don't know if I've said this explicitly or if you can tell simply by my overuse, but I like metaphors. Similes are okay, if that's what you're in to (I dabbled in similes in the 4th grade), but metaphors, they're just so f*cking clever and they can make you say, "Wow, I never thought of it like that. That's deep" when in reality it's pretty damn obvious but just dressed up in fancy wording. I wish I had a metaphor for metaphors, but that would probably cause the universe to implode from rhetoric overkill. Yeah...so my point for all of this- metaphor abuse. It's a serious issue that's hasn't been addressed quite enough, but I've recently located the first offender (not first ever, just first since I started thinking about metaphors)- Stephanie Klein.
You worry if it’s broken, but aren’t sure yet, the way you feel when you’ve just dropped your cell phone. You look at it carefully, turn it on, and for a minute you hold your breath. Relationships just take longer to turn on. Mostly, I'm turning blue, searching for an oxygen hit.
Ms. Klein, I ask that you slowly step away from the metaphor. You have the right to remain silent. Any figure of speech in which a word or phrase that ordinarily designates one thing is used to designate another, thus making an implicit comparison will be used against you.

Last night I went to Acapulco for Maryn's bday. The end.

I emailed my mom to ask for money for the Improv class b/c I was too scared to call her and ask her b/c I have no backbone. But she politely ignored my email. Really, what did I expect? Who wants to not only support their child until their 18, then put them through college, then loan them money every few months when they run out b/c they earn pauper wages, then after all of that, fork over money so they can go play in an Improv class. Apparantly, not my mom.

Isn't it sad when you see a friend that you haven't seen in a while and they ask you what you've been up to and your answer is "Nothing"? Or if not nothing, it's "Working". In reality, no one really wants to hear what you've been doing...if I would start listing everything I'd done for the past month of weekends, would the other person really care? I know I wouldn't want to hear that...just tell me you're not completely miserable and I'll be on my way. But then you're left with nothing to say...after you establish that you've both been "good" where do you go from there? It's all so complicated. Maybe notecards wouldn't be a bad idea, with a series of topics- "How do you feel about healthcare reform?" or "What is your stance on Yes, Dear- should it be cancelled?" Then you're never left with an awkward moment. I'm brilliant!
R.